If I were to ask you who you are, you would consult your memories to give me an answer. Without our memories, who are we? And what if those memories are traumatic, does it mean that we will be broken forever? Does it mean that our lives are over? No way.
Parents, this is the fifth in a series designed to help kids deal with identity and gender confusion by showing them that no matter what they like or what they look like or what they are good at, they are still boys and girls, and still valued, no matter what trauma they have faced. When we try to push kids into filling stereotypical roles and don’t allow them to ask questions and be confused, we’re often the ones creating the crisis that they are forced to find a way to live with. I do this without making any mention of sexuality whatsoever.
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Hi! I’m Miss Tyler and welcome to another episode of Context for Kids where I teach you guys stuff most adults don’t even know. If this is your first time hearing or if you have missed anything, you can find all the episodes archived at contextforkids.podbean.com, which has them downloadable, or at contextforkids.com, where I have transcripts for readers or on my Context for Kids YouTube channel.
I am going to ask you a very important question, so pay close attention. Who are you?
When I asked that, what happened? What did you think of? Did you say your name? Did you think about how old you are? How about what grade you are in at school, or what you are good at? Did you maybe think about your family and how you fit in? Whatever you did, you were able to do because of your memory—and that’s what we are going to talk about today because just try and imagine your life without your memory. Your memory tells you who you are, and who everyone else is. Your memory is why you know how to do things and also why you can learn new things and keep on doing them. Your memory tells you who loves you and who doesn’t. Because of your memories, you know who is safe to trust and who to avoid. Your memories help you to know what you are and aren’t good at. In your memories, you can go back in time and explore happy events or sometimes very sad ones. Memories can make you mad, sad, glad or confused. But who you are today has a lot to do with what has happened to you, what you have done, and how you remember it. Our memories are incredibly important because, without them, what would we even think about ourselves or others?
If you were to ask me who I am, I would say that I am fifty-three years old, that I am married to Mark and I am the mom of Matthew and Andrew, that I have a college degree in Chemistry, that I love to read and that I am a Bible teacher. I would tell you that I have loved Jesus since I was twenty-nine years old. And I could tell you some awful things I did before that, and terrible things people did to me. Those are the main things I remember when people ask me who I am. Those things are part of me, and all of those things together plus a lot more have made me into the very unique person I am today. There is no one else exactly like me, or like you! We’ve all had millions of different experiences, have lived in so many different places, and we look different and have different cultures and customs. What’s normal to me might be so strange to you! Things that I love to do, you might hate! Our memories tell us not only who we are, but also what we think is good or bad, or normal or weird. Every day, you make a whole lot of decisions based on your memories of what has happened to you in the past or what you have heard of. Without our memories, we would stop being us.
What that means, is that our memories are very important but they aren’t the whole story. I have a very good friend and something horrible happened to him once and he was sharing it, and it was very hard for him to do that. What happened to him was worse than anything that has ever happened to me in my entire life. And remembering that is hard for him for a lot of reasons. It not only hurt his body, and that is hard to remember, but it hurt him inside his mind and in his feelings. And when we get hurt like that, it’s easy to think that there is something wrong with us, that we are bad and that we should feel guilty or that if we were better or more lovable that no one would hurt us like that. Because we always remember, right? Memories don’t usually go away just because we want them to. But I told him that what happened to him wasn’t about him, and so it didn’t say anything about who he was. The bad thing that happened to him was about the people who did that to him. They made a bad, bad decision that hurt my friend. No one deserves to be hurt. No one can say that what they did to him was okay because of anything that he did. I always want you to remember that—that if people hurt you and try to make you feel bad about it, it’s because they don’t want their memories to tell them that they are bad people doing bad things. They want to remember what they did differently than it really was.
A long time ago, I read a book with a really great quote in it, it said, “Your enemy is never a villain in their own eyes.” So, what does that mean? It means that none of the terrible people in history say themselves as bad. Do you think Hitler thought that he was a bad guy? No way! He thought he was saving the world from all the people he hated, people he thought weren’t really people at all. Hitler didn’t see every human as made in the image of God, he thought only some people were and the rest needed to be killed. In Hitler’s way of thinking, he and everyone who worked for him were heroes. Isn’t that scary? And there are always people like that. Do you think bullies see themselves as wrong or evil? Of course not, they think that the people they are hurting deserve it for whatever reason. And you know what? Sometimes we do that too when we do something wrong and then tell ourselves a different story about what happened, and we even start to believe it.
Many years ago, God had to deal with me about something bad I was doing but I told myself it was actually good. Actually, he has had to do that a lot with me for a lot of different reasons. I am just like most people, when I act like a jerk I don’t always want to be honest with myself because no one wants to think they are a jerk. We want to think good things about ourselves because, if we don’t, life is very unpleasant. So, we come up with excuses of why the wrong thing we did wasn’t really wrong, or why the other person deserved it, or maybe we tell ourselves that they are making a big deal about nothing because we don’t want to apologize. And actually, I think we all do it with our families. Or we lie because we don’t want to get caught for doing something and we think it’s just easier.
But anyway, I used to kind of beat people over the head with the Bible and I am not proud of it. I could be really mean and harsh and I would tell people things they weren’t even ready to hear. I was very foolish, and I didn’t love the people I was talking to. I was just angry at them for not doing what I thought they should be doing, or whatever. But you know what I did? I told myself that I was good because I was just speaking the truth in love and it was their problem if they didn’t want to hear it. Oh no, the problem couldn’t be me. Or that’s what I told myself, anyway. But I was lying because there was nothing loving, kind, or patient about how I was talking to people. Except, I didn’t know I was lying anymore because I had lied to myself so many times that I couldn’t see the truth. By lying, I changed who I was in my mind from a Bible bully, which I actually was, into some sort of an angel of mercy! But God can do some amazing things and one day, all of a sudden, God made all of my lies disappear and I could see the terrible things I had done and my excuses and lies didn’t work anymore. I saw what I had been doing the exact same way that God saw it, and from that day on it became very difficult for me to lie to myself when I was being mean. God changed how I thought about myself and remembered about myself and it changed who I am. I still did all those mean things but He made it so that I could remember it honestly. I saw who I really was and that made it so that I could be a different kind of person afterward. And that’s not the only time He had to do something like that!
How about your memories? Are you always honest with yourself and others about the things you have done? Do you make bad choices and then make excuses or blame someone else or just lie about it never happening at all? Have you ever had someone else blame you for something they decided to do? Di you know they were lying? Did they act like they believed what they were saying? When we lie about our memories, we will eventually become people who lie without even thinking about it, just like I used to do. When someone talks about something I know about and their version is not honest, it makes me really mad and especially if people believe them. I remember that once there was this bully and he lied about me to so many people and tried to hurt me, then years later, when someone asked him why we weren’t friends, he didn’t talk about how he had lied about me but said that I disagreed with him about something and wouldn’t talk to him anymore. And I wonder if he actually believed it and he really didn’t see all the terrible and cruel things he had been doing to me over the years. Because of what he told others about what had happened, it changed him from the bad guy to the good guy in his story. And I wasn’t the person he was spreading lies about and bullying, I was the problem! And that’s hard to deal with. It happens to everyone. It’s why we can’t serve Jesus or show the world what God is like while not being honest about our memories. But it isn’t just the bad things we have done that we have to remember honestly, we also have to remember the good things about ourselves too.
Do you ever make a mistake or make a bad decision and then tell yourself that you are just hopeless and worthless and absolutely everything you do is wrong and bad and it would have been better for everyone if you had never been born? You aren’t alone. Most of us tend to be very hard on ourselves when we are embarrassed or feel guilty about something. If we fail a test because we didn’t study, or if we promised to help a friend and then we play video games instead, or if we forget to put the chickens in the coop for the night and weasels get them, or our bike gets stolen because we threw it on the front lawn instead of locking it in the garage? At times like that, sometimes we aren’t honest about our memories either. No one who feels guilty or embarrassed or sad about the things they do wrong is a totally bad person! A totally bad person wouldn’t feel bad or care at all, right? But, I bet if you try, you can think of things that you have done to make people smile, or to help someone out, or were kind, or did really good on a test. When we tell ourselves that we are stupid or worthless or hopeless, we are lying just as badly as when we aren’t honest about the wrong things we have done. And when we are dishonest about all the good things that we really have done, we forget about them. We can rewrite our memories to make ourselves better than we are and we can also change them to make ourselves worse than we are. Both of those things are wrong and can make it so that we are totally confused about who we really are.
It’s also a big mistake to pay too much attention to the people who aren’t honest with us either. They can also mess up our memories. What if you beat up a little kid and some of the people around you cheer you on and tell you how tough and strong you are? Well, they are trying to change the memory that Jesus wants you to have about what happened. If you beat up a littler kid, Jesus doesn’t want you to feel good about it. He wants you to understand that you decided to act like a bully when you are supposed to protect people who are weaker and smaller. He doesn’t want those other kids changing what your memory should be by telling you that you are a hero. No sir. And what about the kids and adults who never do anything except tell you how awful you are, or stupid, or clumsy, or whatever they come up with? Well, anyone who never tells you anything nice is not worth listening to and people like that generally pick on lots of people. Don’t let them change your memories about who you are. Not only is it important for you to always be honest with yourself about your abilities, talents, and your character and not think of yourself as too awesome or too horrible, it is also important to be honest with yourself about what others say about you. If someone calls you mean, then ask God if you are mean. If someone tells you that you should go sing on American Idol, then get another opinion because some of those people who auditioned had friends and family who were not honest about their voices!
Your happy memories are a gift from God. And so be careful about who you share them with. There is a verse in the Bible about being careful not to throw your pearls before pigs, or what is precious to you to the dogs. Your happy memories are like treasure and pearls and they can be about all sorts of things. Maybe you failed and failed at something but kept working at it and one day, you did it! That’s an incredibly happy thing! What about a great day with family or friends? Did you win a race or get an award? Did you read a really hard book? Did someone you respect tell you “Good job!” in front of a lot of other people? What about the day you met your best friend? Or got a new puppy or a kitten or a rabbit or whatever? Maybe you remember hearing from Jesus about something that was bothering you. Maybe you got good news! Maybe your favorite team won their big game! Or you saw fireworks, or went swimming in the deep end, or ate something that was totally amazing! Let me tell you my happiest memories. I used to take lunch to my twins when they were in first grade and Andrew always wanted me to kiss his eyelids before I went back home. And then there were the times when we lived in New Mexico when I would chase the boys with the hose in the backyard and they would laugh and scream. Or when they were just little squirts and I would chase them with their big stuffed bear. When I think those thoughts, they remind me that one of the best things about me is that I got to be a mom.
Now, I shared those memories with you because I trust you guys not to be mean or to make fun of me or make me sad about my memories. Because some people are just like that. Some people will take everything happy and try to ruin it so don’t be quick to share your really, really happy thoughts with just anyone. If you ever saw the movie Inside Out, that’s a really good movie about the importance of our memories and how they need to be honest and protected. Those memories of me and my sons, those are my core memories that I think of whenever I am sad or discouraged or feeling like I am just the biggest loser on the planet. Everyone has those feelings and sometimes they last a long time but they are never forever. I know because I am old. And I used to be very sad all the time, but one night God taught me a really important lesson. He said to me, “Remember joy!” and all of a sudden my mind was filled with these wonderful memories about my sons and I would start feeling happy. I remembered that my life wasn’t all terrible and that wonderful things happen and that I needed to not forget the good things. It’s easy to forget our good memories when we are sad. Now, I still get sad and angry and scared and all sorts of emotions because I am still a human being and stuff happens to me that I hate. But I have also learned that when I focus on my joyful memories that little things don’t bother me as much.
Remembering things correctly about ourselves means that we see ourselves as we really are. It means that we can work on the things about ourselves that need fixed, we can remember what things were a really bad idea when we did them, we can protect ourselves from people who are just really not to be trusted, and we can also be proud of our accomplishments, and remember the things we did that worked really well and try them again, we can know what we are and are not good at so that we can focus on our strengths, gifts, and talents instead of wasting time on those things we just aren’t good at. God has given everyone gifts, and we need everyone’s gifts. If you weren’t needed, then why are you here? We must need you. Even if you don’t think you are good at anything, just keep paying attention. Sometimes we wait a long time before we get put into a situation where, BAM! We get a chance to do something new and we totally rock at it. And if you can’t think of anything, you can ask people you trust about what they see about you.
One of my sons is really hard on himself and just doesn’t always see his talents. One day, I was passing by his bedroom and I heard that he was playing a game with some friends online. His friends were angry at each other and blaming each other because they messed something up and my son, and I didn’t even know he could do this, knew exactly what to say and everyone calmed down and he knew just how to encourage the people who needed to be encouraged and to get everyone ready to try it again. That’s a skill I have never had! I generally just make things worse. You know what? Now he works with people who are angry and helps them out, and he’s super good at it. If I had to do that job it would be very very bad.
I want you to know that God will help you with your memories—the good ones and the bad ones. He won’t make the memories totally go away but He can make it so they don’t hurt anymore. It can take a long time but he can heal your memories just like a doctor can heal a broken arm or leg. Sometimes He needs to show us what really happened when we don’t remember correctly—like if you thought a friend did something terrible but it was just a horrible understanding. Sometimes, He helps us to go to the grownups in our life that we can trust if someone has done something that isn’t right or against the law. Sometimes, He shows us how to forgive people so that we can stop being so angry all the time. Sometimes, He shows us that we were wrong and need to ask forgiveness and apologize. When we cooperate with God, He can change our identity, who we are, for the better. When we listen, and do what He tells us and trust Him that it will be okay, we become the kind of people who are more like Jesus. For me, it all began by telling the truth to myself and then I began telling the truth to other people. Lying was a lot of hard work and it didn’t make anything better—it just made it a lot easier to lie about stuff!
The Bible is full of verses telling us who we really are and what we are really supposed to be when we know Jesus. The Bible says we are the children of God! We are adopted into His family and one thing I can tell you about adoption is that it means we are wanted. My husband and I adopted our sons when they were babies because we couldn’t even imagine life without them. We wanted them more than anything. And how we feel about our kids is nothing compared to how God feels about us! Everything He has ever done was to rescue us, and He is still rescuing us even when we can’t see it. When I was a kid, I thought He didn’t care about me at all because a lot of people in my life hated me and were cruel. I figured that He felt the same way because He was letting them do it. I didn’t understand that He loves me so much that He doesn’t force me to do anything, and that also means He has to let me do bad things because I have to be able to make my own decisions. Now, He tells me not to but I don’t always listen. Everyone is the same. The people doing bad aren’t listening to God telling them to stop but He always keeps hoping that they will listen and do what is right.
Here’s a memory for you. I want you to think about the times when people have hurt you and I want you to know that God was paying attention. He saw everything that happened and it made Him very upset. He was upset that the person hurting you was hurting their own soul by doing evil, and that it was leading them in a bad direction away from Him. And He also saw you and was there with you and never left you. You weren’t alone. God isn’t okay with it when people do wrong things to each other. He loves us and so He hates that. You are never alone.
I want to talk about one more thing. You might have grandparents or other people in your life who are having trouble remembering their life, who they are, and maybe who you are too. I know that hurts and maybe you are wondering why you aren’t important enough to them to remember but it just isn’t like that at all. If they knew they were forgetting you, they would be very sad about it. But the part of their brain that controls what they remember is broken and we don’t know how to fix it. You know, brains are just like any other part of the body—they can stop working, they can have diseases, the chemicals that they need to work might not be getting to the right places. So many things. Really, when we look at how amazing and complicated our brains are, it’s just amazing that they don’t break all the time but God designed them so well that they mostly just work perfectly pretty much all the time. But there are diseases like Alzheimer’s and Dementia that cause people to begin to forget things and even the people they love most in the world. They can’t even remember who they were sometimes, and so they can’t remember how to act toward people and they might be mean to the people that love them. If they remembered themselves, that wouldn’t happen. They would know how important you are and they would remember how much they love you. You are worth remembering and loving and being kind to.
I love you. I am praying for you. And I want you to spend this week remembering what is wonderful about you.