This week, something happened to me to make me very sad and so I want to talk to you about what to do when you are sad and what forgiveness is and is not all about. Hopefully this program will also help you to be a better friend when others are sad.
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Hi! I’m Miss Tyler and welcome to another episode of Context for Kids where I teach you guys stuff most adults don’t even know. If this is your first time hearing or if you have missed anything, you can find all the episodes archived at contextforkids.podbean.com, which has them downloadable, or at contextforkids.com, where I have transcripts for readers or on my Context for Kids YouTube channel.
This episode is very different because something kinda bad happened to me that I want to talk about and I bet you have bad things happen to you too. Everyone does. And sometimes when bad things happen, we feel so alone and as though no one understands or cares or even loves us. And sometimes, and this is terrible, no one does care for this or that reason and that is very sad. When I say “no one” of course, I don’t include God in that or Jesus or the Holy Spirit. When “no one” cares, it never includes them. And so, sometimes the only thing you can do is pray. I hope there is never a time when you get picked on, or bullied, or insulted and no one cares but if it does happen then I want you to know that you aren’t alone and you don’t have to be sad all by yourself.
Now, before I talk about all of that I am going to tell you that if someone touches you someplace where they should not, there are always people who care about that. I always care about that. The police care about that. That’s illegal and people go to jail for that. That’s where they belong if they touch you like that. And they might try to trick you and say they will hurt other people if you tell but they are telling you that because they are scared that people will find out because they know they are wrong. They know that if you tell, then you have all the power. If you don’t tell, they get to feel powerful and they will never stop. It’s the oldest and most evil trick in the book, to hurt a kid and then tell them not to tell anyone about it. If someone has to tell you not to say anything, it means that what they are doing is 110% wrong and they know it.
Also, if someone punches you, or breaks your bones, or make you bleed, or leaves marks on your body that don’t go away quick, that’s illegal too. And I care about that. I care a lot. You tell someone about it, okay? A lot of people care about that. Unfortunately, there are really mean things that people can do to you that aren’t illegal even though they are wrong. I am talking about words. I am talking about the people who are cruel with their words or people who like to scare other people for fun. And because it isn’t against the law to do that, some people just don’t care and the shocking thing is that even people who say they love Jesus can be very cruel and unkind about what they say to other people. They are just mean and critical, meaning they criticize you for everything you do no matter what, they don’t say nice things, they don’t notice when you do something right, they will be mean about how you look, or maybe they will be mean because you are a girl or because you are a boy. Maybe they won’t like how you dress or what kind of house you live in.
Believe me, people who are mean and who want you to feel bad about yourself will use anything they can to make you feel like there is something wrong with you. Even if the stuff they come up with is silly.
But just because it is silly doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt a whole lot and especially if you love the person who is hurting you. Not all bullies are in school, and sometimes bullies are at home too. Grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, brothers and sisters and even parents and step-parents can be cruel. Even teachers and pastors and people at church can be really mean. And when you get older, there might be bullies at work—they just don’t usually beat you up once you get older. That part does tend to get better! So, if you have bullies in your life, keep your chin up. Once they become adults, they can go to jail. Because they know they can go to jail, mostly they stop beating people up because they aren’t really brave enough that they want to be locked up with people even worse than they are!
So, what are the silly sorts of things people make fun of other people for? First of all, how you look. As though you had a choice in the matter. Like, somehow they think it is like choosing an avatar in a video game. “Oh, I want this color hair and eyes and I want to be 6’ tall and to have big muscles instead of being skinny or whatever.” I don’t know about you, but I popped out looking like this. I didn’t choose to be so tiny, or unathletic—you know, bad at sports—or a girl. I didn’t choose some of the health problems I was born with—why would I choose to have something wrong with me? I mean, duh! I didn’t choose my nose. I didn’t choose to have legs that are too long for my upper body so that my pants go all the way up past my belly. And you didn’t choose the way you look either. We are stuck with ourselves. And that’s not a bad thing. I mean, just think if we could all choose how we looked—we’d probably be like those video game people, looking pretty much all the same. BOOORRRINNGGG…
And think if we could choose whether we were a boy or a girl. I’ll tell you that everyone would have been looking at what life was like in a certain culture and everyone would choose to be whoever had it better. The human race would have died out really quick. It’s dangerous to be born a girl in some places. In China for a very long time now, baby girls were and are being killed because people only want sons. That’s also true in ancient Rome and a whole lot of other places. In some Islamic countries today, women have no rights at all and men can actually kill them if they want and the police won’t do anything about it. And no one would have chosen to have dark skin during the times when they could be enslaved and stolen away from their families and sold to people who were white skinned!
But think of the fact that no matter if we are boys or girls, or what our skin, hair or eyes look like, we were all created especially by God. Although humans might think that certain kinds of people are better than other kinds of people and should have more rights, it wasn’t that way in the beginning when two people shared the Garden and all the responsibilities for caring for it and worshiping God. After sin entered the world, everything changed. People began to be mean to one another for a lot of really stupid reasons. Some people decided that they deserved to be powerful and they decided that other people were too weak to matter as much as they did. Do you remember when we talked about Lamech? He was the very first bully in the Bible. He would kill you even if you just hit him. And then he said he deserved much more revenge than Cain would ever get if someone touched him. Bullies are generally very touchy people and very weak on the inside even if they are strong on the outside. If they were strong on the inside then they wouldn’t feel like they need everyone else to feel small.
God made me the way I am—not to be more special but just to be unique. You are the same way—special but not more special than everyone else. You are an amazing work of art and you don’t need to compare yourself to everyone else because what good would it do? All the surgery and hair dye in the world won’t change who you are on the inside—and that’s what God cares about. What you look like on the outside doesn’t do anyone a lick of good but who you are on the inside is important to everyone you will ever meet. Now, bullies will never care about who you are on the inside—they won’t get to know you well enough. They are going to miss out on who you really are because all they can see is what’s on the outside. They don’t care about getting to know you. You aren’t a real person to them. In fact, bullies are generally only interested in themselves. That’s all they think about, no one else is real.
That’s so important to understand. They aren’t trying to hurt you because there is something wrong with you. They just want to hurt someone and you happen to be there. But they will make you think there is something wrong with you because, guess what? If they can convince themselves that there is something wrong with you and you deserve it, then they won’t notice what horrible people they are. They don’t want to feel guilty about what they are doing so they are going to make it all your fault. But it’s a lie. It’s a fairy tale. It’s all an illusion. It just isn’t true.
I have been dealing with a bully in my life since I was a little girl. And he really hurts me. He still hurts me and I am fifty-two years old now. It doesn’t hurt as bad as it used to because now I know God and God helps me, but I would be lying if I said that it doesn’t make me very sad and hurt when he does it. He doesn’t hit me but he always says cruel things to me. He even says bad things about me to other people. He even says them to my sons and it makes them very angry when he does it. And I wanted this person to love me more than I ever wanted anyone in my life to love me, but he just doesn’t. He loves my brothers. He says nice things about them. But not about me no matter how hard I try so at one point, I just stopped trying. I tried everything to get him to love me. I tried to be what he wanted. I tried to change to be more like him—which was like the worst idea of all time! Great googly moogly! Why do we think it’s a good idea to try and get mean people to like us anyway? As though them liking us will make us more special? Heck no, it usually makes us worse people ourselves. No, we need to be kind and to be like Jesus but you never saw Jesus trying to act like the bullies. No, He only ever acted like God.
So, I want to teach you about how to deal with the things you can’t change and I want to talk to you about forgiveness. I don’t want you to be a bunch of old guys and old ladies like me before someone teaches you this stuff. And I am not going to tell you to just walk it off or that it will be easy because that just doesn’t help at all and it’s actually pretty insulting and it isn’t true. Being tougher isn’t the answer, that just makes us more likely to become mean people ourselves. And mostly, being tougher just means we are pretending it doesn’t hurt. And pretending doesn’t help us to be healthier people, right???
For my birthday this year, God taught me something wonderful. A few days ago, someone really disagreed with me about something and they called me some horrible names on social media and accused me of some horrible crimes—if they were true. Then she came back in my private messages and insulted me some more. So, I prayed about it and asked God to show me if she was right or wrong because we always have to be willing for God to show us if we are right or wrong and God showed me something very important. Something I want you to know too. When someone is mean to you, look at how they are acting. Look at how they normally treat people. If someone who is normally very kind, patient, loving, peaceful and gentle is angry at you then chances are you have done something wrong, okay? It doesn’t mean that they way they are handling it is good but they are more likely to be on to something, okay? That’s when you have to really think about what you might have done and pray about it.
But what about when a bully comes after you? Should you take what they say seriously? Should you believe that what they say is the truth? Or should you realize that that is just how they treat everyone or at least enough people that they can’t be trusted. It’s good to look at what the Bible says about people who can be trusted and measure the person being mean up to that standard. Are they humble or do they brag all the time and make other people feel badly about themselves? If they brag a lot, then what they are doing to you is just another way to brag about themselves—if they make you look worse then they don’t have to make themselves look better. Jesus called that “exalting yourself” and He said that sooner or later, the people who do that will get taken down a notch because no one should make anyone but God out to be all that and a bag of chips.
Are they generous or greedy? Do they give or do they take? Are they quick to take care of people or are they quick to hurt people? Do they give all the blame to others and take all the credit for themselves? Are they liars about people they don’t like and are they willing to ignore the bad things that are done by the people they do like? Do they make excuses for themselves and come down really hard on others? If they are doing those wrong things, then whatever they say about you can’t be trusted because they aren’t fair. In fact, you might not be wrong to assume that the opposite of what they say is usually the truth.
Are they kind? When you have a problem are they the first or last person you would ever want to go to? If they are not a safe person to take your problems to then they aren’t safe people to take advice from either or to want opinions from. Whatever they have to say about your life just isn’t worth listening to. Would you send a person to them for advice about their life? If not, then they shouldn’t be telling you anything that you are willing to hear about your life either! Oh, they have something nasty to say? Gee, what a shock. I am telling you that you will always come across people in this life who don’t feel the slightest bit bad about saying whatever they are thinking and with those people, the things they are thinking often have nothing to do with reality.
Do they ever apologize? People who don’t apologize are people who do not care about you as a human being. Hopefully someday they will change but until they do, you have no reason to think that they think much about what they say before they say it or after they say it.
Who do you want to listen to? People who are kind. People who don’t enjoy saying unpleasant things to or about others. People who don’t go around gossiping—talking about other people behind their back whether it is true or not. People who only say the things that are absolutely necessary. People who aren’t always getting angry and lashing out and hurting others. People who don’t judge based on appearances or over things that can’t be controlled. People who don’t pick on every little thing and who aren’t criticizing people for things that aren’t actually sinful. People who are merciful when folks are struggling with their sins. People who know they aren’t perfect either. People who are kind when they get disagreed with. Now, sometimes even people like this are wrong but it is safe to listen to them because they really think about what they say before they say it and they have decided it was worth it. People like that really care about you and want what is best for you. They won’t say they are “speaking the truth in love” when they are actually just being mean all the time.
If only everyone was so careful and loving! But they aren’t. And so what do you do when you come across someone who is mean and hurtful? Hopefully, you have friends and family who will listen as you talk about what happened. Talking about it is important. Talking about why what happened was wrong is important because we shouldn’t pretend that things are okay when they are not okay. Then talk about your feelings because they are important too. Don’t pretend like you are okay when you aren’t okay. If the people in your life aren’t willing to listen, you can always talk to Jesus, alone in your room or while you are walking or in your head in bed at night. Jesus is always there to listen. He cares about you being a healthy person on the inside. He isn’t going to tell you to get over it. He isn’t going to get bored or call you a big baby or tell you to just ignore it. People do that sometimes when they just don’t want to hear someone else’s problems or when they feel like they will have to choose sides or say that someone else they like is wrong. I’ve had that happen before—have someone do something terrible to me and tell a friend and have that friend get angry at me because they don’t want to have to say their other friend was doing wrong. It’s sad but it happens. Hopefully you have someone else to talk to but maybe not. But Jesus is always there.
As you talk to Jesus about what is going on and why it was wrong and how it made you feel, you can decide something very important. If what happened to you was against the Law then you can tell your parents or a teacher or a police officer because it is very important that we hold people responsible for actual crimes. If what happened to you wasn’t against the law, you can choose not to retaliate. That means you aren’t going to do to them what they did to you. That means you are going to decide to be like Jesus. And it’s the hardest thing in the world sometimes, because we want to hit back or call names back, or hurt them like they hurt us. And it might feel good for a minute but pretty soon we aren’t happy about it anymore. For one, we will probably get hit even harder in return and now what do we do? Now we have a total war going on and each side has to do worse and worse until someone gives up. Choosing not to retaliate is called forgiveness. Jesus talked a lot about forgiveness, but I am going to tell you what forgiveness is and is not.
Forgiveness isn’t the same thing as saying that what they did to you isn’t very wrong, or that it is okay or that it didn’t matter. It was wrong, it wasn’t okay, and it matters. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that people who break the law aren’t going to jail. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that someone gets to keep beating you or touching you in bad ways. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that the person gets to be a part of your life. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that they said sorry and decided to be good from now on—sometimes that never happens. Forgiveness means that you aren’t going to take revenge and keep taking revenge for the rest of your life. Forgiveness means that you are not going to think about them 24 hours a day for the rest of your life. Forgiveness means that you don’t get stuck being hurt and angry forever even though you will still be hurt and angry sometimes. Forgiveness means that you get to walk away and leave them behind—and hopefully you can do that. If not, then you need help so that you can get away from them. I know that can be hard with bullies at school. Believe me, I know. Forgiveness also doesn’t mean that things go back to how they were before you got hurt. I wish it did. But I can tell you that God can heal our hearts and our minds when we choose to forgive. When we stay angry and vengeful, we get worse and worse and more and more miserable. When we hate them, something inside us becomes darker. Everyone gets hurt sometimes, in big ways and small ways. But not everyone gets their hearts healed afterward. God does that for people who forgive and who keep forgiving. God does that for people who trust Him and try to stop hating.
Yep, I said try. It isn’t easy and it doesn’t happen all at once. Forgiving and not hating is something you have to remind yourself to do every time that anger comes up. And when it does, it’s okay to talk about it again and to talk about how it makes you feel again. It still isn’t right or okay and it still matters. But it gets easier every time. And it’s important—that’s why God helps us. And it is scary to forgive people because the first thing we think of is, “If I forgive them then they will hurt me again and it will just all hurt worse.” And yes, they may hurt you again but I am going to tell you a secret—it hurts a lot worse to be sad and angry all the time and thinking about how they hurt you all the time. It’s like living in jail while they are like wandering the neighborhood free and not even thinking about what they did to you because they don’t care about anyone but themselves. You hurting doesn’t make their life worse. It makes your life worse. When we don’t forgive and move on, they get to win every minute of every day that we spend thinking about what they did and how bad it hurt and how we wish a piano would drop on their heads.
When we forgive we get to be like Jesus on the most important day of His life, when He was crucified and died—before He died He asked God to forgive the people who had betrayed Him, arrested Him, lied about Him, beat Him, and crucified Him. Now, no one is probably ever going to do something so terrible to you or to me. I sure hope not, anyway. But when He was forgiving them He was forgiving us too. Because all of us have done hurtful things to other people. But Jesus, who was perfect and never did anything wrong to anyone, forgave those who hurt Him. You can be sure He will help us do the same thing and when we do, we become more and more like Him and less and less like the people who have hurt us.
I love you. I am praying for you. And I pray you have a wonderful time studying the Bible with the people who love you.